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The Bars That Keep Us From Meditating

I often wonder how many others are like me -- those who are attempting to meditate, who really want to achieve that level of being that can only be found in meditation, but feel there is a seemingly unsurmountable wall that keeps you from doing it.  It could be something such as "I can't find the time to work it in" or "I don't think I'll get it right," but no matter what it is, it keeps you from practicing. 

I started learning to practice meditation predominantly to help with attention difficulty.  I would meditate whenever I felt the need to gather the pieces of myself that had strayed away from the pen.  After learning a little bit about the effects of meditation on chemicals in the brain, I tried to pursue meditating more often.  And for a while I was able to.  I was able to meditate, gather my thoughts, and be happy for a while.  

I have not meditated for a long, long while.  It isn't because I have no time or I don't think I will get it right.  It is because I have a strange fear that something will happen when I meditate.  I am apeirophobic.  Apeirophobia is the fear of things that are infinite, eternal, or simply not ending... ever.  In contrast to other, more common fears, such as arachnophobia, my fear is not necessarily triggered by the immediate presence of the fear (like a spider would for an arachnophobe).  It strikes without warning, which leads me to fear the next time it will strike.  Typically, the apeirophobia rears its ugly head as I have enough time to reflect upon things, and as a result, my ability to meditate has suffered greatly.  

I plan on making a full return to meditation at some point soon.  However, I don’t believe that now is the right time.  Apeirophobia has affected me since I was at least six years old, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find a “cure” for it.  But that won’t stop me from trying to find a way to deal with it, enough so that I will be able to function at a normal capacity.  I plan to deal with the apeirophobia before making my return to meditation, since I feel as though I will be causing unnecessary stress to my life if I attempt to force myself to meditate while apeirophobia looms in my mind.  Thereby, I believe it is best if I get rid of this problem before my return to meditation. 

Blocks will happen.  They are a natural part of life, whether in the physical, emotional, or mental realms.  The only control that we have over blocks is how we respond to them.  I fully realize that my apeirophobia is the only thing that keeps me from meditation, but I refuse to let that frustrate me.  In order to truly deal with a problem, one must accept it with grace and poise.  Many say that the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one.  However, I believe that is actually the second step to solving it.  The true first step is accepting that the problem is there.  

What has kept you from your meditation?  Do you want to combat that thing?  How?  


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